un-be-flippin'-leivable.or is it?

Well first out of the traps is the surprise x factor result. JEDWARD!!

Simon Cowell. Now i don't know about else but it appears that the already insane popularity of this parade of shit-sticks is about to take either a massive nose-dive or is going to go through the roof. Now either way, i don't care and do not intend to worry but i really, REALLY hope that Jedward win. After that i want to see Cowell's career plummet. Maybe ITV could run a kind of reality show to allow the public to see how his life and career unravel. At the end of each episode, introduced by that bastion of quality programming, Dermot (not for the money, honest guv) O'Leary, the public get the chance to vote to determine what calamity might befall him next week.

Because i haven't seen X-thingy (mainly because i'm a strictly fan, love those sequins), i don't really know much about it. However, i do know the mark of quality when i smell it. Apparently, for those of you not up to speed, during a boot camp (?) the judges (!) get to introduce a slebrity to their charges in order, i suppose, to give them that all important pep talk. You know, to tell them that they will amount to something regardless of how abysmally they perform on the live shows. Dannii Minogue had Kylie. Obvious. Louis Walsh had Ronan ( i would make a joke about other persons being unavailable but that would be insensitive). Cheryl had someone else but Cowell had...Sinitta. Fucking Sinitta. Imagine the looks on the faces of the bewildered when she rocked up at the villa. Jesus wept.

Anyway, i say bring back Kate Thornton. Rescue her from the twilight zone of the satellite TV schedules. If she comes back i may start to watch X-factor cos Tess Daly gets right on my bloody tits too.

And finally, whilst i'm venting spleen about music and shit, below you'll find a link to a story about U2 playing a gig in Berlin recently, i believe as part of the MTV music awards. I must admit that the irony of the story wasn't wasted on yours truly and i have only one thing to say. Bono, you truly are a back-to-front.

U2's representative had no comment to make! I fucking bet he didn't!! Cock.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hV4gEiHdlZ2rdU15uT6JAITW-K5wD9BPL28O0

Viva Roto-Vegas

Jumpy Stick Man - me just out of shot on right.

Rotorua - or Roto-Vegas as it's known here. What a place. Kinda cool yet because it’s out of season, it’s also at times resembled a ghost town. Espesh on Sunday night when we went out for food and could not find anything. Very weird it was too.

However, while we’ve been here we’ve seen some pretty cool things. Geysers spurting hot steaming water. The landscape from 200 metres up. The landscape from 200,000 years ago. And we smelt sulphur. The age old smell of stink bombs from school. It can be a little overwhelming but when you sink into a hot spa pool and the muscles let go and you feel at peace, you can forgive it. The bubbles and smells also hide a multitude of sins (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?)

We found a pretty nice hotel on a good deal for 3 nights. Has all the creature comforts required and allowed me to stop driving for a couple of days. Had a massage and swim. Bit of sauna then a shave. Nice comfortable king size bed. A MINI BAR!! Don’t remember having one of those before. Didn’t use it though, too bloody expensive.

Went to Wai-O-Tapu to see the natural thermal landscape which was breathtaking. Both because of the views and as previously mentioned, the smell. It was at times, a breathtaking experience. Some of the natural scenes were amazing, the colours and the actual ground beneath the feet. It was a natural wonder.

Done the Moari experience too. There were people from 18 nations attending and when they asked for a chief to represent everyone, no-one stood up. After being prodded in the back for a couple of minutes, I put my hand up and TA-DA! I’m chief. The Man, The Legend.

Had to touch noses with a man covered in tattoos. The Chief. Then make a speech thanking him for the evening on behalf of and in front of the gathered throng. Felt like a proper prat. Had a little man coming towards me shouting and branding a long stick. Had to stifle a grin as I didn’t want to appear disrespectful. They do take it very seriously. After all of the presentation, we were given a really nice meal called a Hangi, chicken and lamb cooked on hot coals in the earth!! A very interesting night was had by all.

BOG!!

Toilet.

There are some clean bogs in the southern hemisphere. I haven’t been in one that’s not immaculately turned out. Public or Private. I know that this may seem like a slightly troubling thing to discuss but it’s something that I’m not used to in the UK. Even some of my friend’s toilets could take a leaf out of the Kiwi book of bog-care. Yes, my friend’s bogs really have been that unclean in the past! You know who you are but no offense.

The long and winding road.

I have been driving on and off for two days now along some of the finest roads I’ve been on. Free of pot holes and other obstacles that make driving in Britain such a chore. However, compared to NZ we’re like Holland. (In so much that we’re a relatively flat country, as opposed to full of dope-heads – but if you watch Mr Kyle’s show and/or read the Daily Mail/Express then you know that we are full of dope-heads AND they’re procreating and we're heading to hell in a handcart. Scares the shit out of you doesn’t it? AND if you know what I’m talking about then own up because none of my friends admit to watching Mr Kyle’s show and I think some of them are lying anyway AND if you read the Daily Mail/Express please go away quickly).

I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo. The whole place is made up of hundreds of dormant and not so dormant volcanoes so it’s a hilly old place. If I wasn’t driving an automatic I’d have given up long ago (or about 300 kilometres, whichever would have been quicker). Even now, I keep getting cramp because it’s a constant case of foot on gas, foot off gas, foot on, foot off! Frankly, it’s getting cramp-tastic but hopefully that’ll stop for a day or two because we head to Rotorua tomorrow and I hope to either put the keys down or give them to the wife to take over. I’ll report back on this one.

For the record, I think Kyle's show is a work of comedy genius and as such, should be applauded. See, at least I admit it and i'm going away now.

travel and it's many facets..sort of.

3^rd October 2009

Above photo shows view from plane at 33,000 ft. 2 1/2 feet of legroom not shown!

What’s the bloody time?

Somehow I’ve managed to get 4 hours sleep. I genuinely don’t know how. We left British soil at 9pm on Sunday afternoon and it’s now 4.15am New Zealand time on a Tuesday. But we did stop in Hong Kong after ten hours and it was 4ish when we got there. Time zones are a bitch. I get it but I don’t like it.

Free Upgrade Sir?

Well I asked at check in for a free upgrade or move sideways or anything that might get me a few inches more leg room. All the time knowing that, deep down, it wasn’t going to happen. I was told, very politely that there’s no such thing as a free upgrade in the current financial climate and generally, not at all. But for 200 extra, hard earned British Pounds I could move up 1 section at a time. I dallied and prevaricated briefly and looked hopefully at the (still new) wife. Then the second part of her answer: 200 pounds each! Just to be clear and using the only weapon left at my disposal, I unleashed the doozy: but it’s our honeymoon (cue fluttery eyelashes at woman of indeterminate age behind counter, hoping to convince her that marriage between 2 relatively young looking things still occurs for good reasons and not for sake of child/extra benefits and is therefore deserving of such a treat). That’s very nice she says, congratulations she says. £200 each per section. Bollocks. Resigned, I ask for something, anything, to validate wasted time – perhaps some free champagne? I’m sure the crew will be able to sort something out – let them know when you board. Anyway, she said, (and this was the money shot) – all food and drinks are free on these flights. Still, it goes some way to prove that, at 33,000 feet, it appears that there is such a thing as a free lunch!

Hong Kong Phooey.

I was in Hong Kong International Airport for a little over 2 hours. I left the plane, got herded through a security check; laptop out, belt off, wallet out and so on. After having done all of this 10 hours previous and spending the intervening hours doing nothing, it was still necessary to do all these checks again? I’m not so sure and made my point to Mrs C who immediately took on the look that’s common at airports when we’re flying. One of resignation mixed with anger with a dash of embarrassment. I do tend to talk shit when I travel by plane. Nervous excitement mainly and that’s the reason I gave as my defence for the now infamous, in certain circles, “Wouldn’t it be fun and a great challenge to smuggle a midget through customs and onto a plane in a suitcase?” Anyway, there was none of that this time. I understand the need to clean the plane for everyone’s comfort but why so much rigmarole? I was basically sent in a giant circle only to end up stood in the same queue while they used the same ridiculous boarding method to get us back on 2 hours later. Just herd us all into a little room, divided into sections (see upgrades) and then turn us around and march us back onto the plane. Simple. No faffing about. That’s transit sorted. Someday, travellers around the world will speak my name in hushed tones!

As they say…

One great thing did occur while I was in the airport, I did find a Burger King and to my eternal delight and surprise, they still do the Mushroom Double Swiss burger. 2 tasty, beef patties divided by 2 layers of Swiss cheese and topped off with mushrooms on a sesame seed bun. It’s been years since they stopped doing them in Blighty and it was delicious. I ordered the meal deal for 51 HKD and I still don’t know how much that is! Still, at least when we get to Hong Kong on the way back and we don’t understand the menus when we’re out (because locally and off the beaten track, they tend to be written in Hong Kongese or Chinese or some such), I have a fallback plan.

The hangover.

I watched it. It was quite funny.

3 ½ *’s out of 5.

Also saw 2 episodes of 30 Rock from series 3 that won’t air in the UK for some time. Very comical. Still chock full of sharp dialogue and great characters. Look out for Salma Hayek playing Jack’s slightly loopy girlfriend. And the fight club run solely by women of a certain age for women of a certain age. However, don’t start watching 30 Rock because it’s mine! Just like Twin Peaks was and Seinfeld was and The Office was and Doctor Who was (before it’s reboot when everyone pilloried me for still watching the DVD’s of a programme that hadn’t been on for years and was constantly maligned for shonky sets, wardrobe, scripts and acting, but now every fucker’s at it; ooh David Tennant’s the best Doctor ever; ooh, aren’t the effects so much better now; ooh, I recognise so and so from whatsit; ooh, Billie Piper was good wasn’t she? NO!!!! Tom Baker is the Doctor. The definitive if you will. And then Pertwee and Troughton and then, maybe Tennant). Anyway, I digress. Don’t watch 30 Rock when it’s shown. I found it and you can’t have it.

Next time…

I’m definitely paying for an upgrade. It’s gotta be money well spent.

a lack of ire on my part.

As you can see, this blog remains free at this time, of entries. This is due in no small part to my current inability to pour scorn and loathing out from my rather cramped head space and onto the page in the form of the written word. However, take heart dear reader that this situation will be rectified very soon...watch the skies.